The Internet could disappear tomorrow, and I'd still be doing the same thing: connecting people to people. The medium is irrelevant. The Internet is simply the easiest and most widely available tool to achieve that goal right now. I'm not building a business on the basis of a certain tool being available. I'm building it on the basis of a need for real connection amidst the chaos of Western society. 

I don't believe in a digital age. I believe in people, stories, and ideas. I believe in the power of human creativity; of failure; of experimentation; and of the simple idea that moving forward, no matter the circumstances, is what we do. There is merit in the ability to evolve. 

I am not rebelling against the Internet. I love the Internet. I use it everyday for my business. But I will not be building my business to support one tool or function because I intend to evolve as both the times and I change, too. 

That's why I'm carefully building a business that respects the creative process. I'm an artist first and a businesswoman second. I spent 20 years in the dance world, so I know a thing or two about telling stories with nothing but me, myself, and I. 

AI can suck it. 

Social media algorithms can suck it. 

The Adpocalypse can suck it. 

Join me as I navigate the field of I-don't-even-know what yet. But my intuition tells me I'm onto something. 

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I filmed some improv for the first time in awhile, and I noticed some differences.

I haven't been in a dance studio since 2021, so my practice (disordered flailing, more so) is now generally reserved for the in-between:

-Stirring the soup while it cooks

-Waiting for a video to upload to the drive

-Sitting in my car at a stoplight

These aren't times and places where ballet or even modern dance really fit in. Instead, these environments inspire a smaller, quieter, more "boppy" movement style because of their physical and temporal limitations.

I am not a hip hop dancer. Put me in a class, and I'd be laughed out. But there's a relaxation present that wasn't there when I graduated with a BFA in dance in 2019 that is more akin to hip hop or house.

My gnawing thought: our environment affects how our bodies react to ideas or specific movement lexicon. Perhaps not all styles are best suited for a studio environment.

I think non-classically trained dancers know this, but those of us who grew up in the studio may have accidentally limited ourselves simply due to a physical environment in which we were told "real" dance happens.

Maybe the clinical setting of the pristine dance studio doesn't support the organic exploration of movement lexicons.

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Hi, dance!

It's been a while

You feel weird now

You feel like an old friend who took a different path than I

I don't really know what to do with you anymore

But, maybe, through these small conversations, we can rekindle our relationship

Or really, maybe we can repair our relationship

It all feels so silly...

Silly that I never felt worthy enough to care about you more

Silly that I got in my own way so much of the time

Silly that I ever felt silly

Dance, I welcome you back with open arms

I still have doubt

But I hear you calling me back

It's nice to see you again

---

May 2025

It was weird filming myself, but here we are trying new things.

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I was 20

I didn't really think them through

I got 4 in a span of about 6 months

My stomach tattoo took 30 minutes

Ribcage, 15 minutes

Back, 4 hours

Arm, 3 hours... and 3+ years' worth of laser removal.

You can really see the difference in intensity between the two now: the faint memory of an aggressively average tattoo. The black blob on my arm became too much to look at in the mirror. I haven't shown my arms in public for 7 years now. I sort of got tired of being stared at by strangers.

I originally wanted a full sleeve, but I ultimately decided against it. My hilariously weird tattoo of Jack Nicholson is now the subject of many awkward laser removal sessions.

"Soooo, what made you get this?"

"Oh! I thought that may have been the guy from The Shining."

"I'm guessing you like horror?"

I am definitely paying in pain for the dumb decision I made. I thought the tattoo gun hurt - the laser is incomparable. If the tattoo gun is a series of cat scratches, the laser is 200 white hot rubber band snaps with little razorblades attached at each end.

In retrospect, I think I got these tattoos along with random piercings and a freshly shaved head as a way to mutilate myself, to make myself less traditionally desirable. I didn't think I was anything worth looking at despite being entirely obsessed with a performing arts career in dance. For this reason, I felt "cursed," and I thought this was noteworthy enough to permanently affix to myself (I am aware of the cringe-factor).

Bold statements that made me stick out like a sore thumb that I then immediately regretted was ~kind of~ my thing in college.

I didn't exercise control over my relationships with family, friends, art, work, or myself. I felt entirely at the whim of everyone and everything else.

Getting these felt like a decision I made, for me, for myself and no one else. Now, should I have considered, uh, anything else??? Obviously. But these tattoos are a part of me, for now.

Hopefully good ol' Jack will finally be put to rest a year from now. Who knows what I'll do with the other 3.

---

Taken on Galaxy S23 Ultra

Oct 11, 2024

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As I tend to do, I made another 180 (which is hilarious given how bad I am at turns in dance).

2019: Dance Teacher > Data Analyst for Private Equity

2024: Business Intelligence Developer > Marketing Coordinator for Nonprofit Museum

I've taken a large pay cut, but now I only work 4 days per week, 2 of which are "in the office," which is the contemporary art museum downtown. I've always wanted to work for a museum, and I've always wanted to work downtown, in any town.

I have the time freedom I was holding out for all year. I was sitting in a therapist's office this last spring saying, "I just want time off... or maybe I'll go back to school or get a part-time job, but this job is hurting my mental health."

I think I interviewed with 5 private equity companies this year and probably 10 over the course of the past 5 years. There was always something "off" about these companies. Whether that was objective or God calling me to something else, I'll never know. But I do recall stepping out of those interviews thinking, "Eh, I think it went well, but it just doesn't feel like the right move."

So, I quit my job without a plan. A little scary, but I was going to be fine while I figured something out.

About 6 weeks ago, I cold messaged this museum to see if they had any openings. A few weeks went by, and I started to forget about it. A couple Tuesdays ago, I got a call from them saying they were looking for someone with my skills (sort of a grab bag of skills at this point lol). I start this week in the middle of one of their large events. It'll be fun to get right into it!

All is to say: listen to your gut, don't compromise on what's important to you, and remember that sometimes you have to ask for what you want, despite what I consider to be propaganda about how "you can't just walk in and ask if they're hiring anymore." That may apply to Microsoft or Google, but there are a ton of other local opportunities who are looking to work with you! In the words of Electric Light Orchestra: HOLD ON TIGHT TO YOUR DREAMS!

Maybe my signature dance step should be The Pivot 🤔

Thanks to all who provided support, insight, and encouragement during this transition.

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•made meaningful progress on the large project I'm working on (almost done with it, thankfully)

•got some alone time

•took some fun pics

•ate some good food

•watched a couple horror flicks

...but I am ready to return to the forest, to Joe, to my cat.

It's fun to live in this duality: dark city lady vs. earthy forest lady. The, what I call, French-minimalistic-corporate-goth really comes out when I'm in the city; the earthy-fox-fairy really comes out when I'm at home in the forest. Both expressions feel like "me," which I'm learning isn't really anything that serious. I'm exploring new hobbies, art forms, etc. and revisiting old ones all in the pursuit of self-actualization.

My goal is to be a better partner, friend, coworker, daughter, mother (to be at some point, I hope)... and I've realized that if I don't take care of myself... if I don't fill up my internal resources... if I don't do things that make me happy or grow... that I'm not any of those people to anyone.

I've been working an office job for ~5 years now, and I love the structure, solitude, and vast landscape for opportunity. But I definitely lost sight of the artistic side of myself for a couple of years. I think it was a necessary break since I'd been in dance from 2 to 22.

For whatever reason, revisiting self portraits and photography has reinvited the creative spirits of fun, good health, and (more of) a life purpose!

My thoughts are a little incoherent right now, but I guess all is to say: do whatever makes sense to you and whatever makes life a lil more sweet.

---

Camera: Galaxy S23 Ultra

Editing Apps: Snapseed, Hypic, SCRL

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This post is more of a journal entry, but I wanted to post it publicly in case someone gains something from it.

I was looking at pics of myself from when I was 18-19, and good grief, I looked like I was on the verge of tears in most of them. Both of these pics above were taken without much thought, so I think they're indicative of my base emotional state. The first was taken today and the second was taken the day I moved into my college apartment in 2016.

During my early college years, I was such a little ball of anxiety. I didn't really enjoy myself all that much.

•I didn't know how to properly recover as a dancer

•I didn't know how to connect with people

•I didn't know how to set boundaries

•I didn't solve my problems

•I didn't have a relationship with God

•I didn't know how to get myself out of bad situations

I had a lot of inner turmoil and sort of a poor home life during my teenage years. These are stories for another time. But I say this because it's relevant to what I was processing during the first couple of years of college. Basically, my mental health was very poor, and I just needed a hug.

Fast forward to today:

•I know how to train and recover my body

•I am working really hard at learning how to connect with others

•I know how to kindly set firm boundaries

•I get paid to solve problems now

•I am strengthening my relationship with God

•I don't get myself into bad situations

All is to say, I feel strong and capable and confident at a base and not just as an exception. I am proud of myself. And I think part of me returning to self portraits is some of the confidence building I'm working on. Also it's fun.

God bless everyone who has crossed paths with me and has been a part of the process. While I may not have enjoyed my young(er) adult life as much as I should have, my heart is filled with love and joy for all the friends and mentors I had during these weird times, no matter how long or short lived these relationships were.

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